in this post I’m gonna share with you some of the things I like about the various places I’ve been to. As time never stops and my movements likewise never stops (until I’m dead), it means that this will be one of those posts that will keep on growing, so be sure to check back again every here and now.
- If you are homeless, you are forced into a variety of ‘nightly experiences’ that you’ll find will actually greatly enhance your life quality (well, not everyone is the same, so I’m just talking for myself). Sometimes you might find yourself in a birch forest late at night, tired legs strolling through a serene silence of majestic/magic trees with all your worldly belongings.. cuddling into one of Naturstyrelsen’s open-access outdoor shelters where you’ll find a fireplace for yourself and total peace, except for the occasional shy-but-curious wild deer.
- The women are beautiful in that Scandinavian (Arian?) high-life-almost-royal/godlike/wolflike/ethereal way. And especially if you stumble into one of those ‘traditional’, Viking– or Sami-bred busty red-haired and green-eyed jewels.. Then you will find yourself instantly, at the very first point of eye-contact *collapsing to your hands and knees* in eternal gratitude. An otherworldly Goddess all together. She’s the type of woman that you would want to have give birth to you, nurture you, fuck you, and then take out her gigantic Viking axe and chop you up because something you said or did displeased her mildly, and then start all over again… This kind of woman doesnt need a man, she has her own fine-tuned axe already, well-managed and well-used, she just likes to enjoy herself.
- The music is nice in that enchanting, magical serene way as the nature here is when you shut the fuck up, and just listen very quietly to it… No, I’m not talking about Nik & Jay, Poul Krebs or even Erann DD. I’m talking about some of the traditional folk music, that you can find at places like Præstø Fjord. Things like VIRELAI, and I even feel remote traces of this in Dead Can Dance, and maybe even Enya too (maybe all that raiding and plundering wasnt all that bad – at least we brought good music, you cant really say that for the Bush-Obama-Trump coalition I think).
- Where Nigeria is more like Pulp Fiction, Denmark is very ‘anal’ about all kinds of ‘procedures’. While homeless, I couldnt even get a new SIM card subscription for my mobile phone, they required a government certified folkeregister addresse (In Nigeria I just let them do some biometrics on me and then pay 500NGN (~10DKK) and that’s it) – I could ‘almost’ understand the requirement for address if I wanted a land-line phone, but a mobile phone….? And do you know what a PO Box is? A lockable small, addressable box that you can use to receive snailmail on – either because you are doing big business and wanna be fancy, or because you’re homeless/address-less and need to read your snail mail from Arbejdsmarkedsstyrelsen/Kontanthjælpservice/etc – well it turns out that again, YOU NEED A FOLKEREGISTERADDRESSE TO GET A PO BOX!!! (and subsequently, if other people have the same folkeregisteraddresse, aka you are living with someone, then ALL your collective snail mail will go to the PO BOX)…. Same thing with a Doctor – no address no free medical checkups nomore in the socialist welfare nation of DK, then you’re just reduced to a nuisance to good law and order and you should ‘know better’ and ‘get a grip of yourself’ etc….. OK, sorry, sidestep, that was about ‘anal’ procedures amounting to the point of shit, and it wasnt my intention to talk about shitty procedures in Denmark, only the anal ones, so let me get back on track here. The anal procedures of Denmark has a variety of good effects on the system as a whole, like a well-nourished abdominal fauna. We have a constitution that’s like a compilation of centuries of good shit and attitude/culture/foresight compressed into some few paragraphs (I dont really know what I mean by this in light of DK politics anno 2017, but I think it was once a pretty good thing) that gives some procedures for how things should be, and then everyone abides and everything will be great for everyone – things will work out smoothly in the nation. We also have anal Workers Unions and that is really the heart-and-centre of our still somewhat well-functioning employment market in my opinion. It is very refreshing that I’m actually writing this post on 1st of May, all the more reason to celebrate this kind of institutions that are fighting for our best interests and rights in face of employers. In my first job they cheated me on my salary, so I kept my records for the 1,5 year I worked there and then at the end I just handed those papers over to my union and within 2 months they got me my money back – Cha Ching!! So anal is good like that, in moderation, and with a clear heart, clear mind and an undivided purpose and sense of direction/focus, not to be conducted in slobby excess or by ‘propagating outdated belief systems/taboos’…. Bonus: Aside from the anal worker unions, there is even an anal ‘renters’ union – like if you are renting some room or apartment, have a written contract and have problem with your landlord, then you just call these guys and they’ll fix it for you!
- Nigeria (or at least Yoruba-land which is the only part I’ve been to), is like one big Pulp Fiction. Remember Pulp Fiction? There’s Jules for instance, a sturdy black man doing his job (which just happens to be killing people) with all sincerity, and reading out bible quotes here and there. A well-versed man… There’s another scene with Jules, the one where he calls his boss because someone was accidentally shot in the head and now the car is all covered in blood and brainparts. And then the boss is like “No problem man, get in there and calm those niggas down, Ima handle this shit. Just sit down and wait for Mr X” —- Nigeria is EXACTLY like this. You have some problem? You just call some guy, maybe pay him some homage, and then he’s gonna handle that shit… This is my number 1 favorite thing about Nigeria so far. (I also like the fact that because it’s a tropical country, watermelon just grows like weeds)
- The women are beautiful, unashamedly curvaceous, sensually tantalizing yet somehow distanced, dis-interested and ‘un-attainable’, forcing you to *make the first move* if you want any chance of grabbing that ass. But handle her with love and respect or face the consequences. Nigeria is patriarchal in the sense that behind every beautiful woman there’s a mean-ass father and a couple of uncles, brothers and distant cousins. And they are gonna *fuck you up* if she sends just a single complaining ‘beep’ to them about you… and even if her brothers wont fuck you up, she will fuck you up herself with her own two hands. Black women are already like at the very ‘bottom-of-the-human-hierarchy-in-this-universe-opposite-any-random-white-guy’, so what do you think they have to loose, huh? Believe me, these girls dont take no shit from no-one …….. but in extension, in this place, behind every man there is a loving and supporting (and beautiful) woman (but sometimes you’ll also just end up with a crazy woman, and then it’s your task as a man to face that point blank and find out what you really want in life)…. but yes, on the flip-side of patriarchy, IF it is the ‘man’ who is fucked, then everyone is fucked. Shit in, shit out.
- The women here are BEAUTIFUL! Seriously, I know I’ve already said this but I just want to say it again, coming at it from another angle. Just think about it for a second, think about it really fucking thoroughly…. These black women have been BIRTHING ALL YOU FUCKING HOES IN THE WORLD, no matter if you now find yourself to be white, yellow or red…. So please believe me when I say that GOD IS A BLACK WOMAN PERIOD!
- You can name your child anything you want down here, there’s no government sanctified/sanctioned policies you need to adhere to. You can name them things like ‘Honesty’ or ‘Disgrace’, and then you can look forward to long hours of surreal conversations like: “Get out of the bathroom already, Honesty!” “Stop stinking up the room, Honesty!”, “Eat your oatmeal, Honesty!”… or “Disgrace, I love you”, “Finish your homework already, Disgrace!”, etc.
- The music is nice. Before I came here I had by good luck and good grace of a good friend of mine, found my way into Fela Kuti and Voodoo Funk, but now that I’m here I have good music all around. On the radio, on the TV, some random carpenter singing Fugi’s while he’s working, in the church when the choir is yelling out their heart to God on some DIY massively over-powered-by-diesel-generators, soundsystems and accompanied with a live band, etc… and that’s not all you know. Whenever there’s music there’s dancing, and can you believe, can you imagine, can you fathom the surreal JOY it is to see children, grown men and women, as well as grandparents, all shaking their ass for Jesus at night vigi’s from 22.00 to 04.00 some random Wednesday with a normal workday the next morning!?!?!?!?! SHAKE WHAT THE GOOD LORD GAVE YOU seems to be the primary message of many of the sermons here!
- PAYMENT ON DELIVERY!!?! Online shopping in EU is procedure of going through some list of items, adding them to your virtual cart and then proceed to checkout and do your payment. The payment can sometimes be such an extremely bizarre and excruciating procedure that you just decide to say “Fuck It, I’d rather starve than spend any more time on this shit”… Nigeria on the other hand, a country that is 1000km wide – has payment on delivery on all it’s online shopping portals! What that means is that you go to your online shop, select some things and ‘say you want it’. Then someone packs it and drives it out to you and shows you so you can try before you buy, and then you give him some money or send him back again.